smoking's bad, mkay?
by Screaming Argonaut
Summary: Someone's been stealing Havoc's cigarettes. We all know he will have none of that.


_Nothing, it's what I own._

Once again, 2nd lieutenant Havoc went outside for smoke break to discover he had fewer cigarettes than he was supposed to. "Son of a bitch!" he groaned. He was positive that he had at least fourteen left in his pack, and now he was down to ten. This had become routine for the last month or so. He would leave his cigs unattended for a short period of time, and when he returned, someone had come by and swiped some. He started to wait for someone to come back from their break and he would get close enough to smell them. No one had come back yet reeking of stolen cigarettes. No one else in their office smoked to his knowledge, so he had very little to go on.

He returned from his break and grumpily began to continue his work. As soon as he sat down, the youngest alchemist in the military excused himself to use the restroom.

_No way, _Jean thought, _not the boss._ He wanted to banish these thoughts from his mind. He was only fifteen, for Pete's sake! It made sense, though. Even he began started smoking at fourteen, and Ed had a lot more issues to deal with than he did at that age.

"I think I could use the restroom too." Jean announced to the group once Ed was out of earshot. He stood and was about to take his leave when he heard the sound of the safety flicking off on Hawkeye's gun. "Don't dawdle, Havoc. You still have quite a bit of work to do." He gave her the thumbs-up and left.

Havoc knew Ed wasn't stupid enough to light up in the obvious places like outside the front doors, or the roof. So he went to the place where the boy said he was going. He stood outside the door of the men's room and listened intently. He heard what he had desperately hoped not to. He heard the sound of a Zippo lighter snapping closed. Using his expert stealth skills, he quietly pushed open the door. His steps were just as quiet, if not more so. He saw the boss' boots under one of the stalls. From what he observed, the kid was not yet aware of his presence. He patiently waited for Ed to finish what he was doing. It was undeniable at this point; the smell of urinal cakes and chemicals couldn't over-power the familiar scent of tobacco smoke.

Ed's feet shifted as he stood up, and the hiss of the butt hitting the water filled the silent room. The toilet flushed and he exited the stall. 2nd lieutenant Havoc was the last person he expected to be standing there by the sinks. He turned a deathly pale upon seeing him. He quickly lost the guilty look on his face and put on a look of faux confusion.

"Oh, hey Havoc…" He trailed off. He felt the impending doom enter the room and kick him in the stomach. Havoc wore a less than cheery expression as he stared down the kid. The guilt appeared to be radiating off him.

"Why did you do it, Boss?" he asked quietly. He was always fond of the kid, so he wasn't going to raise his voice if it were at all possible. Ed's eyes drifted to the floor. He wasn't going to talk his way out of this one that was for damn sure. He started smoking a few months back, and on top of that being _illegal,_ he was stealing from a friend.

"You had better come with me, Boss." Jean ordered in a firm, yet gentle voice. He led Ed out of the restroom and down the hall. The man stopped at one of the wall phones and dialed. _Shit. He's gonna rat me out to Mustang. I'm dead. _Ed thought to himself. A voice answered on the other end that certainly was not the Colonel's.

"Fuery, it's Havoc…yeah, listen. Could you drop my paperwork at my place tonight? I found the Boss yarfing in the bathroom, so I'm taking him to the doctor…Hey, thanks man. Wanna tell Roy for me? Sweet, thanks again." He placed the receiver back on the cradle and motioned for Ed to follow him. Ed complied with his head bent in shame. He wondered which would be more humiliating, everyone thinking he barfed at work, or that he was a thief. They walked out to Jean's car and started driving. The entire ride was spent in silence. The boy opened his mouth a couple of times, but nothing came out. What could he have said? _Sorry I stole from you, are we still cool?_ Ed could pay him back for the cigs he stole, but that sounded like such and insincere attempt to remedy the situation. _God, I suck!_ Ed screamed at himself.

A couple of blocks from Havoc's apartment complex, the driver pulled into a run-down tobacco shop parking lot. Ed seriously considered bolting from the car while the man was inside and never be seen again. A few minutes later, Havoc returned and threw a pack of Marlboro's in Ed's lap. Ed picked it up and stole a sideways glance at the man.

"Let's go smoke, boss."

The pair arrived at Havoc's flat, and the man stripped off his heavy military attire and put on some athletic wear. He invited Edward to make himself comfortable. The boy cautiously did so, still unsure what Jean's intentions were. He laid his red coat across the arm of the torn leather couch and sat down. Jean sat across the coffee table from him in his worn easy-chair. He lit a cigarette, and slid a lighter across the table. Ed looked at the unopened pack of cigarettes that lay before him.

"I'm really sor-" he was interrupted by a dismissive wave of Havoc's hand.

"Boss, we'll talk after you smoke that entire pack." The boy's jaw dropped in awe of this ancient form of punishment. He slumped forward and stuttered. "The…entire pack?"

A simple nod from the older man answered him. Jean took another drag as Ed reluctantly lit up.

The boy exhaled through his nose. The two sources of smoke were causing the room to turn hazy. Ed's eyes were red and beginning to water. He innocently asked the lieutenant if they could crack open a window. The man only smiled and shook his head.

The kid was on his seventh cigarette in this unwilling smoking binge. Havoc had finished what was left of his pack, and had moved on to the next. Ed snuffed out his cig in the already piled-high ashtray that lay before him. His head was buzzing and he shuddered as he lit up the eighth smoke. Truth be told, he was beginning to feel a bit nauseous. The room was so smoky that he could barely see the man sitting not six feet from him. Jean knew he couldn't stay mad at the poor kid forever. He had to deal with a lot of stress, and surely just being around Havoc made him associate smoking with stress relief. As mature as Ed would like everyone to think he was, he was still an impressionable teen.

Ed polished off the ninth cigarette before his stomach turned. He tasted the bile rise in his mouth and he more than aware of what was coming. He leapt from the couch and sprinted to the bathroom. Havoc sighed, knowing the kid had learned his lesson. He put out his cigarette, feeling a little sick as well. He opened all the windows, letting the smoke billow out. He trotted into the bathroom and held Ed's hair as he puked.

After about five minutes, Ed stopped dry-heaving and was now worshiping the porcelain god before him. Jean was rubbing his back and started wiping his mouth with a wash cloth. Ed leaned back against the wall and let his eyes close.

"Is it pointless to say, 'I'm sorry,' Havoc?" he asked quietly. Jean ruffled his hair before he answered. "Yes, I suppose it is since I've already forgiven you." Ed cracked an eye open and smiled.

"Yeah, well I'm sorry anyway."

Havoc gave Ed a few towels and a bathrobe after suggesting that he take a shower.

"It'll make ya feel better, Boss. I'll wash your clothes so you don't go home reeking of smoke. Ed felt embarrassed for letting the man wash his clothes for him, but Winry was stopping by today, and he'd wind up with a wrench in his lung if she knew he had been smoking. Ed sat on Havoc's couch while his clothes dried.

"Why did you start smoking, Man?" Havoc asked sadly. Ed raised his head and let his shoulders drop.

"I found half a pack on the street after the lab five incident, and was really high-strung. You always seem so relaxed after you smoke." Jean mentally smacked himself at this. "So I tried it and it worked. Al doesn't know yet, so please don't tell him, please!" Ed's eyes were so pathetic. Havoc tried to avoid the gaze and he played with his Zippo. A moment of silence came between the two so the only sound was the noise the drier made. Havoc's fingers slipped and he dropped the lighter on the floor. He picked it up and looked Ed in the face.

"If you quit today, I won't tell anybody."

Ed considered this; he was going to get away with stealing and smoking Scott-free. It wouldn't be fair to the man who saved his ass from Mustang and cared enough to encourage him to quit. An evil smile crept across the boy's face.

"I'll quit if you do."

The two had one last cigarette and flushed the rest. Havoc drove Ed home and had dinner with them.

The next day, Jean was a wreck. No amount of coffee could curb his withdrawal. Ed walked in and sat next to him. "I don't see why _I_ had to quit," the man mumbled. Ed shook his shoulder and laughed. "You see Havoc, I've grown quite fond of you and I'd like to see you live to fifty."

A few months went by and Havoc had kicked his addiction, but was offered a cigarette from a friend. He took one drag and about threw up. He never touched a cigarette again.


End file.
